Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Cancer sucks!

This post is something I have to do for me to relieve my pain...so don't feel obliged to continue reading...friends like us will understand!

It's so hard to concentrate, my world seems so small and trivial compared to dear Jo as she battles yet another infection related to her advanced breast cancer. Today's update was what I expected but not what I wanted to hear.

For a brief moment, a week before DD's wedding, we were all smiling and enjoying the spur of the moment visit from Jo & Ed. they live ~ 2 hours from us, but had never stopped by. We quickly realized that this was Jo's way of saying goodbye. Just writing that is bringing me to tears.

But we all played the game and chatted about nothing and everything as if things were great with all of us. No one wanted to say a word about the elephant in the room, hoping if we ignore it, it would go away. It's not...Jo is such a strong woman, always smiling and helping. She'd do anything for her family, but has decided that the chemo is just too much for her. She may consider radiation but...we wait for her to get stronger.

I want to go and see her and perhaps give the others a break from their vigil...but my head cold prohibits any such thoughts. So here I sit, praying with all my might that a miracle is just around the corner.

All this is bringing back memories of Mom when she was going through her cancer treatment for lung cancer. I'd visit every weekend, trying to pass some of my good health on to her. But shortly after I told her we would take care of Dad and make sure all his needs were met - he was early stage Alzheimer - Mom gave up the fight.

But as I finished Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture, I realize that those who are dying still have some living to do. Lessons to be passed along, fun to enjoy, loved ones to hold. It's a chance to leave a lasting legacy - whether it be concrete or virtual. After Mom passed I found all the letters and cards I ever wrote to her in a box. DH was military, we moved frequently, long distance was so expensive so I would write and let her know how I was doing, what was new with DH and the girls and so on. Now I have those letters stashed in a pretty hat box!


icelandmom said...

Just wanted to stop by and give you a big cyber ((((hug)))). I can very well understand your thoughts and the emotions you are going through right now. We found out 10 months ago that my sister in law has lung cancer that has spread. She is not doing too well at the moment and it is very hard to see her like that. I'm thinking of you my friend.

Pumpkin said...

Berta, I really don't have any words that will help you during this difficult time :o( I am SO sorry to hear that Jo is not getting better. The big "C" seems to take away so many wonderful people from our lives but I'm sure you will treasure those wonderful moments that you did have with her. ((((HUGS))))